if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
