Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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