And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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