Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
