what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
