I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
