I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
