Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize