We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
