my phone needs a breathalizer
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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