I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
