a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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