Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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