Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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