fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
