all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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