Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
