1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
