My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
