I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I cut my penus on the lid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
