OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
