Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
