i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
