my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
