cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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