his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it hurts more in the daytime
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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