On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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