why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
