she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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