I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
