What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
