Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
