when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
