Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't deserve a penis
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
