I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I currently don't understand fingers.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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