He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
