someone threw a dead crab at me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
