she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
