I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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