I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
