His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
