If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
