i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
