i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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