hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
