just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Randomize
