She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
