My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
