apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
