My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
