??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize