I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
