yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
