She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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