the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I cut my penus on the lid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
