you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
