After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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