You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
