you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
